I'm a terrible writer. No, I'm a terrible thinker. It is as if my head is one big stone wall. And I can't quite make out what's behind this wall. I want to tap into it, throw a rock through the window or kick open a door and let my thoughts pour out like a stream of melting snow, cold and pure and in such way that touches the very hearts of strangers. But it's just a wall. Who knows? Behind it could be not a stream, but a waterfall. =)

Okay you know what? There's this thing that's been on my mind forever. most times i feel bad about myself. i feel as if i can be better than i am now, smarter, nicer, prettier, ..anything. and then there sometimes when i feel like i can let go and embrace who i am now and learn to grow in my own skin. then this nasty little voice comes over inside and i say to myself, why should i do that? if i love who i am now, I'm betraying who i can be. in fact not liking who i am is the thing that drives me to make myself become ..better in some ways. it's a strange thought, not many people have it, i know because it's silly really.. we only have one life to live, and who knows when that may end, so if you spend it not accepting yourself, you are the one to cause misery upon you. not anybody else. and if i accept me, and be comfortable being me, that does not mean that i can't improve, the process may actually work better, and certainly less painful. i really do want to try and obtain this state of mind, that one can benefit from positive self esteem. i guess it started way back when...when i was little, and still even now, my parents always raised me to feel like I'm just not good enough and to be a perfect lil darling, i had to feel bad about who i am. they instilled this defect in my being so that it's hard for me to be comfortable with the whole.."i love myself" attitude. but it's not a matter of what they did or how i was raised, it's a matter of how I'm gonna choose live my life. to be under constant pressure by...myself? to raise all hell against myself? to cause myself stress and frustration? no, it's so incredibly stupid because I'm doing it to myself. so, i wanna live happy. and that's all i got to say about that.