Alright, I agree. Optimistic is a far better choice for life. Who wouldn't want to be happy?! I had this guy in my class in high school. Derek Grubbs, better known as Grumpy Grubbs. (which I gave him that nickname and it stuck actually) Anyways, this kid..was quite the character. He was the most unpleasant person to be around. If anyone was near him for more than 10 mins..we'd end up trying to slowly back off and run away! LoL. He was just so grumpy, and never ever smiled, nor did he ever had anything nice to say. Anyways, my point is that he never had any friends, he grew old, lived a lonely life, fixing his ugly motor bike and talking to himself while throwing things at babies and children. Lol okay well...not really, but he will, if he kept it up.

So as I look at myself, I think what am I? I am NOT a Derek Grubbs, not even close. But I'm not a Esther Lee either. Which I don't want to be either..cuz that's just scary on a whole other field. Yes, I am dramatic in the way that I stress out easily and without the help of my friends and Sam (my angel) I think I would have a nervous break down every single week. Hahaa..Well anyways When I hear from other people, you just need to be more optimistic, I'll be honest, the first thing I feel is not appreciation for the advice, but more so annoyance because I feel like it's saying, "Hey, you know what, your problems are insignificant you're stupid for worrying about it." Because when I worry about something, it means it's very important to me. Usually, I can't hear it from other people because it makes me very defensive straight off the bat even though I KNOW that they mean well. And I just want you to listen to me vent about the day. I usually go back and tell myself that I need to have a better view on things after my venting. I self-sooth a lot of times. But I do NEED people there to listen.

I've come to the point where I think, I don't want to be anything. I just want to be Real. That's all. I will never go so low in my life that I can never see the stars shine in the night. But I can't be this robotic ray of ultraviolet light. It's freaky for me when I meet someone who's ...like so nice and optimistic...it's really scary. I feel so uncomfortable because I can't be a real human. I would never want to be like that. Life is not like that. It's bad and it's good. And I want to be able to handle it like the real me. Which usually will overcome anything in my way. In due time. lolls.