It's funny that I should write what I did in my previous post. Like all this time, I felt nothing, numb, dead to God. And it's not like I parted the red sea or anything, but it was a small miracle. I was ignoring God for so long, until I didn't even know what I am meant to do. I think I felt like there's no way I can do what I want and be accepted. And the more I pushed it aside, the blurrier my image of God became. And instead of someone I felt comfortable with, I felt like God was a ticking time bomb, and he was ready to explode any second. Around me there's this constant pressure for me to defuse Him, "Repent now, the last days are around the corner..." everybody preaching warnings and do this and do that right now now now.... this I am hearing and all the while I am fumbling, searching, trying to tap into any ounce of dried up emotion I had so I can passionately turn it around..and I get nothing. It doesn't work that way. And today, it was raining and raining, and my friends and I talked about hell and I just got more frustrated with Him like how am I suppose to feel any better? How am I suppose to feel safe with my Creator, when apparently at any given point in time, he will be the one to cast me into flames and I'll die a painful and scorching hot death upon Jesus's arrival.

And I know these are little events, but I was really happy when I saw my test score today, and this week when Jaci told me we were going to be roommates at the last minute, and I am about to see Sam again so soon...all these things, are working itself out. And then today I came into my room, and there's a little note that said something about faith and love from the deans, and that made me reach out and do something I never even think about. I took out The Messiah, and I read a few random chapters, which was as refreshing as jumping into a crystal clear lake in the summer. I see that in all, it's just so simple. He loves me, and I remember how many times He calmed my raging storms and somehow, things works itself out. I think it's because God is above all...a Father, and we are all his children, some more messed up in a ways than others, but it's okay in the end. I know this feeling. And I absolutely love it. But I also know that when I get out of this "Me and Jesus Bubble" in my room Lolls ..and I step out into reality, it's not so easy to do the right things and I am so weak, it's really pathetic. But at least, for right now, I feel alright and I'm not angry anymore. I climbed no mountains, but I opened a door, and that's the most meaningful thing I've really actually done all month.