I know it's not good to focus on all the bad things about oneself. So this is not a post to complain, nor is a a plead for reassurance from you. I just want to write it out, so maybe I can break it down for myself if I can see it in my own words, and not just the jumbled feelings I constantly feel. So here are all my weakness, my insecurities.

I'm insecure about so many things, I don't even know how it came to be. I've come to realize that my sister is even more comfortable with herself than I am. How strange, I always wish for improvements but I never feel satisfied.

I hate when people say I'm just right. Because I don't want to be just right. Just right for me means borderline fat. And that's just not okay. Some days, I go through about 10 outfits. And in the end, I end up wearing a big T, and jeans. I don't know why, and I try so hard to convince myself that I'm being really stupid thinking like this, but I doesn't even matter. I feel like a failure if I gain weight. I constantly think about everything single thing I eat. I feel guilty when I gain.

I feel shy if I am around people who have a lot to say, and are quick to say it. I can't match their wit, nor charm. And in truth, I feel like cat's got my tongue. It's weird for me when I'm around people who swear a lot the first time I meet them.

I try to avoid my age, seeing as I'm so young, and everyone else is so much older. With age comes experience and seniority, and if I tell them what I am, I become that baby..all over again.

I wasn't ever too ashamed to say where I live, but after last year, I just can't say it without regret. I never like WI..ever, but I guess I just loved my old school, and I thought all my friends were really cool, so it's okay to say I live in Wisconsin. Little did I know...it's just a place no one cares about, and apparently only losers would live there. Huh...Now I know.

I am insecure about my lack of Left brain stimulation. Hahaa. But really, I have no problem solving skills, no mathematical sensibilities, or strategic ideas. I hate to be put on the spot, which is probably why I'm such a bad test taker, unless I studied for hours.

I don't like to look like I'm trying too hard on anything. I am very aware of details, and I get embarrassed if I think I look overdressed or something. I don't like to have extreme personalities, like I would feel weird if I felt like I was trying to be something I'm not just so I could fit in. I like to think that if I am myself, people would see that I am really easy to get along with. So like I said, I don't like to try very hard..

I am not ashamed that I am Chinese, just more defensive. I know that we have horrible stereotypes, and according to society, it would be so much cooler to be Japanese or Korean. Cuz, they make all the amazing electronics and cars, and we "make egg rolls". I can totally see why people would think that, but I know where I come from, and I know that everybody approaches life differently. I know how hard my parents worked, and I know it's all for family, so there is no way I could Ever Ever say that I wish to be anything else than what I am. Tho..I do think Japanese anime is genius, and I love my Korean boyfriend...also some Korean music, I'm not gonna lie. Hahaa But our food kicks every body's ass.

I wish I could played an instrument well, sing, play sports, paint pictures, act, write poems..any of these would be great. But I have none. And that gets me down because I don't know what I am good at. I guess I still have to find out what that gift God gave me is.
I'm only human, and that's how life as a human goes.